Adolescence is tough. Being an Indian teenager caught in a rat-race you never wanted to be a part of even more so. Preparing for entrance examinations because being a doctor/ engineer is the only path to success is like a rite of passage. Study hard, play not, attend classes, attend coaching, practice what was done-yeah, life was exciting. Couple that with our raging hormones – we were angry, we were frustrated, we had nothing under control, our parents seemed to be against us, we needed to vent, we needed an outlet.

Yeah, I was always one step closer to the edge. We all were. Our daily routine was so mundane-home, school, tuitions, coaching, home. We were always trying to compete, but against whom? People, we were not even in touch with after a few years? Everyone had their own path and time.

What do I have but negativity?
‘Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me.(
Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

We all hate failure, but every single minor setback was exaggerated. I mean the profound effect failing the Physics finals at class 11 had in my entire life-I can’t even elaborate. It made us feel bad and shitty about ourselves, and it would have been so easy to just give up with life at that juncture. Actually, many still do. But, those who don’t, pick themselves up and go on from there.

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Our parents have expectations, our relatives have expectations, the neighbors have expectations, heck, even the nation has expectations, and you are supposed to be the angel that is going to deliver, even if your own aspirations are totally different.

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
‘Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

Yeah, heartbreak sucks. We all must have suffered it at least once. But, the first one is always the one that stings the worst, because we never realize what hit us. It leaves us bitter, angry and swearing that we were never going to fall in love again. And of course, we all know how that turns out, despite Bollywood trying to make us feel otherwise.

It was a hard time, but we had some support. Linkin Park helped. Chester’s screaming voice and meaningful lyrics provided the much-needed empathy. Their rock-pop-rap-metal-electronic music resonated across all tastes. Yes, Linkin Park was the support that I needed to fight against depression. And I was stronger because of them.

Now, over 10 years from then, when I hear that Chester lost the battle against the same demons that he helped me fight against, I am heartbroken. It seems like a part of my childhood is gone-a part with sunshine and unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. I don’t usually share RIPs. Deaths make me sad, but I also accept that they are a part of our natural cycle. But Chester’s death has made me write this. Don’t give up against depression. Get professional help. Talk to friends. Talk to parents. Find an NGO that is willing to help. Find me, if you think you can trust me. I will listen.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter